Showing Up. Why do we feel selfish?

One of the most common things I hear from clients is some version of this:

“Am I being selfish focusing on myself in therapy?”

It usually comes up when we start to move beyond talking about problems and into actually doing the work of change. Setting boundaries. Examining patterns. Prioritizing rest. Saying no. Asking for more. Choosing differently.

For people who are used to carrying a lot for others, that shift can feel uncomfortable — even wrong.

But feeling selfish while doing the work in therapy is incredibly common. And more often than not, it’s a sign that something important is starting to shift.

When Caring for Everyone Else Became the Rule

Many people come to therapy after years of being the dependable one. The one who keeps the peace. The one who anticipates other people’s needs. The one who shows up, works hard, and keeps going even when they’re exhausted.

Maybe you were the responsible kid in your family.
Maybe you learned early that conflict was best avoided.
Maybe you simply got used to putting yourself last.

Over time, those patterns become second nature. 

Your nervous system gets used to scanning for what everyone else needs before you even consider your own.

So when therapy asks you to pause and ask “What do I need?” it can feel unfamiliar — even uncomfortable.

The Discomfort of Rebalancing

Growth often looks like disruption before it looks like peace.

When you start setting boundaries, people may notice. When you stop overextending yourself, dynamics may shift. When you begin paying attention to your own needs, it can feel like you’re taking something away from others.

That’s often the moment when the thought appears:

Am I being selfish?

But there is an important difference between selfishness and self-responsibility.

Selfishness says: Only my needs matter.

Self-responsibility says: My needs matter too.

Therapy isn’t about becoming someone who only thinks about themselves. It’s about becoming someone who can stay connected to themselves while also being in relationship with others.

The Work Beneath the Surface

A lot of therapy work happens quietly.

It’s the moment you pause before automatically saying yes.
It’s the decision to speak honestly instead of smoothing things over.
It’s recognizing a pattern you’ve repeated for years and choosing to respond differently.

Think of personal growth like tending a field or garden. You don’t plant seeds and walk away, expecting an instant harvest. You water, weed, and care for it consistently — sometimes quietly, sometimes in ways that go unnoticed. 

Therapy works the same way. 

Each pause, each boundary, each honest conversation is like a drop of water or a small turn of soil. Over time, those small acts of care allow something strong and resilient to grow — something that can weather storms and bear fruit.

From the outside, these shifts may look small. But internally, they often take an enormous amount of courage.

And sometimes they still feel selfish. Not because they are — but because you’re practicing a new way of showing up.

A Personal Note

I’ll add something personal here, because this is something I’ve experienced in my own life too.

The relationships in my life have changed as I’ve learned to show up for myself more honestly. Not in dramatic ways, but in quieter ones — speaking up when something matters to me, allowing space for my own needs, and not automatically smoothing everything over.

Some dynamics adjusted. Some conversations became more honest. But what I’ve found is that the relationships that matter most tend to grow stronger when you stop disappearing inside of them.

Showing up for yourself doesn’t take away from connection.

It actually makes real connection possible.

Where Real Strength Is Found

There’s a quiet kind of strength that grows when you start showing up for your own life. Not loud or dramatic — just steady.

The kind that comes from knowing who you are, what matters to you, and trusting that your needs are worthy of space too.

And often, the strength people are searching for in their relationships isn’t something they need to find in others at all.

It’s something they begin to discover in themselves.

Keep living with intention & anticipating all the joy,
Jillian 🤍